Difference between revisions of "Wang Sorenson"

Latest revision as of 17:53, 1 February 2018

Artist sketch of Wang Sorenson performing the Miracle of His Lost Shoes.

Birth

Wang Sorenson was born of a Chinese noble, Wang Hop and a Swedish princess, Ingemodh Sorenson. His birth was hailed a miracle by people all over Polynesia, as his mother had been rendered infertile by the Great European Earwig Infestation of 693. Wang was born sometime between 699 and 670, depending on which sea shanty is describing his deeds. His birth, known as Wangzaah, is celebrated the world over by Wangite followers.

Wang's parents experienced their second cultural clash when it was time to name their newborn son. Both wanted his name to represent his noble heritage. Eventually, Wang Fu, the grandfather of Wang Sorenson, declared that the debate was tiresome and to just "give the kid two last names." Wang's parents settled on Wang Sorenson, the family name from each parent.

Early life

There is little known about Wang's early life. In the only surviving piece of correspondence between his mother and his aunt, Olafine Bjornsen, his mother described him thus:

"A good boy. Does what he's told and smiles all the time. We're thinking of getting a dog so he'll learn the value of responsibility."

Murder of his parents

When Wang was only 12(ish) years old, his parents were murdered in front of him in a dark Polynesian alley. Wang vowed to solve their murder and took to the seas, to put right what once went wrong and hoping each time, that his next port of sail will be the port home. He became known as the shanty-singing pirate of Tuvalu, ritually raiding ships on the high seas. He never stole from the ships or killed any crew or passengers; his only demand was to swap sea shanties to further his vast musical library and to bring entertainment to weary travelers. He searched high and low for the man who murdered his parents, but was never able to solve the case.

Philosophy

Wang believed earnestly in loving one's fellow man and brought this teaching to everyone he met. He was an amiable man who loved jokes, sea shanties, and believed laughter was the way to salvation. Despite having seen the face of evil, Wang believed every person deserved a second chance. Due to this belief, he was often at odds with local governments as he was often caught breaking orphans and elderly debtors out of prison. He was also fond of the full pleasures available in life and did not shy away from food, drink, sex, and dirty jokes. Wang believed sexual pleasure was God's gift to humanity, if God indeed did exist and grace humanity with the gift of pleasure centers in our brains. Due to this, Wangite monks and nuns do not abstain from sex and are in fact, encouraged to have sexual relationships in whatever way they feel most comfortable. However, if a Wangite nun or monk wants to abstain, that's okay too.

Miracles & great deeds

During his 33 and 1/3 years on this earth, he performed many miracles and great deeds. In the summer of 711, he brought moisture to a parched South African village's crops, using just his body and six kegs of ale he had in his ship's hold. While he was temporarily imprisoned for unpaid docking tickets, he earned the gratitude of the entire Roman fleet by teaching them advanced rigging techniques using only a length of rope and his trusty rod. When he was traveling through Russia, he cured a homeless woman of her blindness, by cutting her bangs. He also gave her a snazzy perm even though he had never given perms before.

His last recorded miracle was in Boobyalla, Tasmania, where he brought fortune to a crumbling city by teaching the inhabitants essential marketing skills, enabling them to sell their peanut crops for a hefty profit. Because of this miracle, his execution was ordered and carried out by the Elephant Mafia.

Death

Wang was murdered by the Elephant Mafia after he performed the Peanut Miracle at Boobyalla. According to the testament of his friends, he knew it was coming and spent the night before getting blistering drunk, loudly singing every obscene sea shanty he could think of, replacing every instance of "balls" with "elephants." In the morning, he stumbled into the town square and defiantly threw peanut shells onto the ground. An hour later, the hit was carried out and Wang Sorenson was crushed under the feet of a hit-elephant.

Some attempts have been made by certain sects of Wang followers to bring celebration of his death into the mainstream, but most Wangites dismiss such activities as "too depressing" and "not in keeping with the spirit of Wang." Those that celebrate Wang's death (called The Great Stomping) do so by beating an elephant-shaped pinata while loudly yelling "elephant balls!" until it breaks open, spilling peanuts and peanut candies.

See The Index to Wang

Main Page | Holiday List | Holidays by Season | Holidays by Month | Substituted Holidays

@@ Line 1: / Line 1: @@
-[[File:wangshanties.jpg|200px|thumb|right|Singing traditional sea shanties in celebration of the Birth of Wang Sorenson.]]
+[[File:wang3.jpg|200px|thumb|right|Artist sketch of Wang Sorenson performing the [[Miracle of His Lost Shoes]].]]
-Winter holiday known as Wangzaah, celebrated by followers of [[Wangism]].
-=== Date observed & holiday substituted for ===
-----
-Held during the last week of [[December]], or December 23 for [[Orthodox Wangism]]. Substitution for [[Christmas]], [[Hanukkah]], [[Kwanzaa]], and [[Winter Solstice]].
-=== Origins ===
+=== Birth ===
 ----
-The birth of [[Wang Sorenson]] is shrouded in a little bit of mystery. His mother, a Swedish princess by the name [[Ingemodh Sorenson]], was rendered infertile by the [[Great European Earwig Infestation of 693]]. That she was able to conceive at all was hailed as a great miracle and people from all over Polynesia regarded Wang as a Savior.
+Wang Sorenson was born of a Chinese noble, [[Wang Hop]] and a Swedish princess, [[Ingemodh Sorenson]]. His birth was hailed a miracle by people all over Polynesia, as his mother had been rendered infertile by the [[Great European Earwig Infestation of 693]]. Wang was born sometime between 699 and 670, depending on which sea shanty is describing his deeds. His birth, known as [[Wangzaah]], is celebrated the world over by [[Wangite]] followers.
-Wang was born sometime between 699 and 670, depending on which sea shanty is describing his deeds. While his birth was most likely in the late summer, an official decree from the [[Holy Ingemodh Mother of Wang Cathedral]] moved the date to December 23 in order to more easily blend in with other regional holidays. Later events attributed to Wang have stretched this holiday to a week-long celebration.
-In his 33 1/3 years on earth, Wang performed a great many deeds and miracles. These miracles have only strengthened his legacy as a messiah to the believers of Wang. While adherents will stridently claim he is the prophesied messiah, no one knows which prophecy foretold Wang's coming or what Wang's role is as messiah. ''"That is for Wang to know and us to ponder,"'' is one of the core beliefs of Wangism.
+Wang's parents experienced their second cultural clash when it was time to name their newborn son. Both wanted his name to represent his noble heritage. Eventually, [[Wang Fu]], the grandfather of Wang Sorenson, declared that the debate was tiresome and to just "give the kid two last names." Wang's parents settled on Wang Sorenson, the family name from each parent.
-=== Traditions & rituals ===
+=== Early life ===
 ----
-Traditions and rituals for celebrating the birth of Wang are widely varied depending on individual preference, family tradition, and cultural background. In past centuries, his birth was celebrated simply with the re-telling of his exploits and miracles, along with singing sea shanties in the town square, followed by a feast. After the [[Miracle of Agnes VonStrupp]] in 1142, week-long gift giving was added by [[Reform Wangism]] in celebration of Wang's generosity.
+There is little known about Wang's early life. In the only surviving piece of correspondence between his mother and his aunt, [[Olafine Bjornsen]], his mother described him thus:
-Family togetherness is an important part of celebrating the birth of Wang. People who have no family or nowhere to go get ritually adopted by other families during the holiday. They are treated just like regular members of the family and expected to pitch in with chores, cooking the feast, and singing sea shanties. In return, they get all the love, support, and gifts they would expect if they were able to be home with their own families. This tradition of adoption has made [[Wangism]] one of the fastest-growing religions in the world among single males and college students.
+''"A good boy. Does what he's told and smiles all the time. We're thinking of getting a dog so he'll learn the value of responsibility."''
-Followers wish each other a "Wonderful Wangzaah."
+=== Murder of his parents ===
-==== Traditional cuisine ====
+----
-There is no set "rule" about what to eat during the Wangzaah feast, as cuisine is largely determined by cultural and local preferences.
+When Wang was only 12(ish) years old, his parents were murdered in front of him in a dark Polynesian alley. Wang vowed to solve their murder and took to the seas, to put right what once went wrong and hoping each time, that his next port of sail will be the port home. He became known as the shanty-singing pirate of Tuvalu, ritually raiding ships on the high seas. He never stole from the ships or killed any crew or passengers; his only demand was to swap sea shanties to further his vast musical library and to bring entertainment to weary travelers. He searched high and low for the man who murdered his parents, but was never able to solve the case.
-North American celebrants generally mimic the Thanksgiving feast, though it varies by country. Canadian [[Wangites]] include lots of poutine, as Wang was known to laugh upon hearing the word (Laughter is considered one of the most important aspects of [[Wangism]]). Wangites in Mexico serve traditional local and regional fare, but always with tamales in adherence with the [[Miracle of Tamaulipas]].
+=== Philosophy ===
-In Western Europe where Wangism is more common, celebrants lean towards strudel and wurst. This is largely due to one of the legends of Wang depicting his declaration that these food items were:
+----
-''"Fun to say and damn delicious."''
+Wang believed earnestly in loving one's fellow man and brought this teaching to everyone he met. He was an amiable man who loved jokes, sea shanties, and believed laughter was the way to salvation. Despite having seen the face of evil, Wang believed every person deserved a second chance. Due to this belief, he was often at odds with local governments as he was often caught breaking orphans and elderly debtors out of prison. He was also fond of the full pleasures available in life and did not shy away from food, drink, sex, and dirty jokes. Wang believed sexual pleasure was God's gift to humanity, if God indeed did exist and grace humanity with the gift of pleasure centers in our brains. Due to this, [[Wangite]] monks and nuns do not abstain from sex and are in fact, encouraged to have sexual relationships in whatever way they feel most comfortable. However, if a Wangite nun or monk wants to abstain, that's okay too.
-All Wangites, regardless of denomination or place of origin, agree that tacos, some type of pie, and copious amounts of alcohol are essential to the Wangzaah feast, as long as everyone celebrates safely and with designated drivers.
+=== Miracles & great deeds ===
-==== Decorations ====
+----
-Most [[Wangites]] and [[Wangians]] put up some sort of decoration starting the first month of December. It is generally frowned upon to put up decorations earlier than December 1st and any follower who does so will receive the traditional rebuke from other followers. The rebuke starts with a "tsk tsk" noise, is followed by a shaking of the head, a deep sigh, and the traditional chant:
+During his 33 and 1/3 years on this earth, he performed many miracles and great deeds. In the summer of 711, he brought moisture to a parched South African village's crops, using just his body and six kegs of ale he had in his ship's hold. While he was temporarily imprisoned for unpaid docking tickets, he earned the gratitude of the entire Roman fleet by teaching them advanced rigging techniques using only a length of rope and his trusty rod. When he was traveling through Russia, he cured a homeless woman of her blindness, by cutting her bangs. He also gave her a snazzy perm even though he had never given perms before.
-''"Next year, you'll start putting up Wang decorations in July!"''
+His last recorded miracle was in Boobyalla, Tasmania, where he brought fortune to a crumbling city by teaching the inhabitants essential marketing skills, enabling them to sell their peanut crops for a hefty profit. Because of this miracle, his execution was ordered and carried out by the [[Elephant Mafia]].
-Similarly, decorations must be taken down by January 2 or else the follower will receive another traditional rebuke. It is similar to the above rebuke, but with a different traditional chant and spoken in a thick Minnesota accent:
+=== Death ===
-''"You aren't going to leave those decorations up until July, now are you?"''
+----
-As with the traditions and rituals, decoration varies wildly depending on individual preference, family tradition, and cultural background. The majority of Wangites install a large plant as the basis of their decoration. Most often, this plant is a tree, with pine and ficus being the most popular. Bamboo and bonsai plants are becoming more popular, especially with apartment dwellers. Artificial and potted plants are encouraged as they are reusable and help to prevent the dilemma of what to do with the dead plant once December is over. Those who choose potted plants often will use the same plant until it gets too big for the house. After one last Birth of Wang celebration, the family will ritually retire the plant to the back yard, forest, or golf course brush where it will live out the remainder of its life in the wild. Followers believe this is "keeping in the true spirit of Wang."
-Trees and plants are most often decorated with shiny baubles, cheerful toys, and other such ornaments that please the follower and are keeping in the true spirit of Wang. Glass balls decorated with sea shanties, dirty jokes, and jaunty pirate hats are popular decorations. Some superstitions say that the more arbitrary the decorations on a tree or plant, the more Wang's lucky countenance will shine down. One of the most popular decoration are [[wishing balls]]. The wishing balls are a pair of hollow or blown glass balls. Wishes or prayers to Wang are placed into the first ball and dirty jokes or naughty limericks are placed in the second ball to "balance out the pointy."
-In lieu of, or often with, trees and potted plants, many followers install a series of decorated candles, often hand-painted with scenes from Wang's miracles. Starting on the evening of December 24, a new Wang candle will be lit on the fireplace mantle. This practice is most popular with Reform Wangism, as it coincides with their beliefs in the [[Miracle of Agnes VonStrupp]].
+Wang was murdered by the Elephant Mafia after he performed the [[Peanut Miracle at Boobyalla]]. According to the testament of his friends, he knew it was coming and spent the night before getting blistering drunk, loudly singing every obscene sea shanty he could think of, replacing every instance of "balls" with "elephants." In the morning, he stumbled into the town square and defiantly threw peanut shells onto the ground. An hour later, the hit was carried out and Wang Sorenson was crushed under the feet of a hit-elephant.
-With the advent of electricity, colored lighting has become another popular decoration in [[Wangite]] households, especially lighted decorations in unusual shapes. Most Wangites can be recognized by their lighted window decorations, usually in the shape of a circle, star, trapezoid, or Wang.
+Some attempts have been made by certain sects of Wang followers to bring celebration of his death into the mainstream, but most [[Wangite|Wangites]] dismiss such activities as "too depressing" and "not in keeping with the spirit of Wang." Those that celebrate Wang's death (called [[The Great Stomping]]) do so by beating an elephant-shaped pinata while loudly yelling "elephant balls!" until it breaks open, spilling peanuts and peanut candies.
-==== Gift-giving ====
-In accordance with the [[Miracle of Agnes VonStrupp]], starting on the evening of December 24, followers place a [[feathered stick]] on their fireplace hearth. Followers without fireplaces may place the stick on the coffee table or entertainment center. The next morning, a gift will be found next to the stick. Followers do this until the morning of December 31st. Depending on family size, financial status, and individual [[Wangite]] preference, anywhere from a single gift for one person or a gift for each family member will be found the next morning. This gift-giving tradition is to symbolize Wang's spirit returning to earth in [[Agnes VonStrupp]]'s time of need.
-[[Orthodox Wangites]] do not follow this tradition as they claim Agnes was making it all up. They follow the traditional gift-giving day of December 23.
-==== Traditional sea shanties ====
-(Temporarily removed until the matter of lewd lyrics can be resolved.)
-==== The Rather Irritating Wangzaa vs. Wangzaah Name Debate ====
-In recent times, new evidence has been uncovered that points to Wangzaa having been misspelled all these centuries. Scholars from the [[Wangite School of Pharmacy]] in Turkey reported that there was a minor mis-translation in one of Wang's original letters to his parents. Wang's pidgin has been a topic of idle curiosity, as most Wangites are fine with reading the translations provided by the Wangite School of Pharmacy. In the letter, Wang discusses his new bride and uses an ogonek while referencing persimmons. As persimmon is one of the roots of Wangzaah, the holiday's name must be updated for accurate spelling.
-The report has resulted in some division. Most Wangites are okay with the name change, but strident opponents, almost entirely comprised of holiday goods suppliers and monogram services, have been vocal about not adopting the change. In their words:
-''"What are we going to do with all this leftover stock?"''
-Opponents of the name change are pushing to forget the whole matter, while the [[Holy Ingemodh Mother of Wang Cathedral]] has already declared "Wangzaah" as the proper canonical spelling unless new documents surface that retcons the whole deal.
-Unsurprisingly, Wangites are more interested in the [[Wangzaah Name Debate]] than they are the revelation that Wang was married. When asked, most Wangites say:
-''"What's the big deal? A lot of people get married."''
-Most Wangites usually state that they hope the scholars at the Wangite School of Pharmacy discover her name because it's awkward to keep referring to her as "Wang's unknown, but probably quite lovely, wife."
-----
 ----
-'''See index: [[Wang]]'''
+'''See [[The Index to Wang]]'''
 ----
-[[Home Page]] | [[Holiday List]] | [[Holidays by Season]] | [[Holidays by Month]] | [[Substituted Holidays]]
+[[Main Page]] | [[Holiday List]] | [[Holidays by Season]] | [[Holidays by Month]] | [[Substituted Holidays]]